The title speaks for it's self, that's exactly how I feel right now.
Condemned, but I deserve it. If I wanted to play the part of the fool, than I should expect to be laughed at. I try and I try but nothing works. I can't even fit in amongst my brothers ... every time I try to laugh with my brothers they always end up laughing at me. It's my own damn fault anyway because I should know better. Reflecting on the past with them put some smiles on my face but also made me realize exactly how much they respect me. My brother Louie being the one who opened my eyes, I just act like my normal self and he points out the fact I'm abnormal ... I was ok with that until he started saying I act like someone who is " mentally challenged " to put it nicely. It just seems like that I can't be myself anywhere. Not here ... and not outside. I have to keep my life a secret from prying eyes because no matter what I do they'll always be judging me. I rather have people suspicious of me and keep trying to pry than actually find out anything about me. They would laugh at me anyway. No point at all in letting my own family into my personal life ... I should just stay locked up all day ... I don't belong anywhere anyway. I have no place in the world, my heart just can't bare it and I feel like ... I'm falling ... and falling ... and even if I scream no one really helps me. They just let me fall again anyway. It might partially be my own damn fault since I'm so sensitive ... but it hurts when you realise people are laughing at you instead of with you. I just want to be me, even if it means I have to stay an outcast all my life so be it. No one in this life truly respects me anyway ... nor do they like me. I've come to terms with that years ago ... I love being me ... but perhaps I do need to change. Even if I do I won't be accepted ... no one truly is anyway. I just wish at least my family could see me for who I am ... but than again they've been staring at me with a microscope ever since I was born. So what if I am nutty? II still should be loved shouldn't I? Am I that bad a person the world has to hate me simply for just being? I can't escape this no matter what ... I'll just say it. I'm lonely ... I'm gated ... and no one could ever respect me. I don't even like myself for that matter. Sometimes I wish I could go far away, but than even than were would I go? Even if I have the money there is no place in the world that would accept me except an insane asylum. No wonder I'm so closed about my life most times .. I see so clearly why I hide everything I do .. I have this overwhelming fear of judgment ... I feel like I can't be myself around anybody fully and that I can't show anybody anything ... because I'm so used to being mocked and laughed at I remember moments like that in childhood and even as a teenager as well. I will continue to hide the most innocent of things simply because I'm afraid or people laughing at me, but more important my own family. It's only going to get worse and worse ... and the one thing I'll openly admit is ... I hate myself ....... I hate myself and have no respect for myself. I think I'm just a terrible person and deserve all the suffering I've ever been through. The world is right about me ... everything people say. I hate myself and with all the things that I've done or ever said or ever watched I deserve to be tormented ... because I'm horrible person. I am ... I simply am. No matter what anyone says .. I know I am. I'm a monster just like I thought I was and a pushover at that. It's a wonder why people don't spit on me .. I should be condemned .. that all I have to say. Simply because I am myself. Everyone should hate me, I act human and feel so ashamed of myself. I admit I look at porn, yes I said it PORN. I admit I like to talk about dirty things on the Internet like about yaoi or make butt jokes. I also admit that I make much more mistakes compared to my wins. Do you know what? ... I've come to terms with that ... let the world hate me because they haven't being doing something I'm not.